demakat: (pinefresh)
[personal profile] demakat
I don't make resolutions. I don't often work with goals, I work with deadlines.

But after a year (or nearly two in one case) of nothing at all being about me, I'm tired. The same way I'm an excellent functioning mess, I also have started compulsively taking on work that I don't want to do. Possibly/probably because of the last year where I just had to suck it up and keep going. So I've continued the pattern, and it's doing absolutely nothing to promote what I want to do, or who I want to be.

I want to paint, and experiment with turning my people drawings into paintings. Maybe without the use of black...because it would be such a contrast from the black and white drawings themselves.

I want to travel. There were a lot of travel plans placed on 2015 that haven't been talked about for a long while, but I also have some personal ones.

I want to do more things by and for myself. I just visited the David Bowie exhibit down town, and aside from a really shitty wet day it was pretty awesome. I didn't actually know much about Bowie, but I was interested and the ticket was only 25 dollars for a guaranteed time slot.

I want get into science more. Physics has either gained some mainstream appeal lately, or I am just more aware of it. Either way I am incredibly intrigued. I also find chemistry interesting. I put something up on facebook about string theory and it was not well interacted with. I am disappointed I don't know more people who comprehend science enough to read articles about it, understand and even like them. I hope to couple this want with the doing more things by and for myself because I would like to talk about science and theories with more people.

I want to do yoga, or generally some sort of activity for myself. I feel better when I do yoga once or more times a week. I don't really care about the woo-woo parts of it (as my marketer calls it) I just know it makes me feel better, and that is the ultimate goal this year. To not feel so shitty all the time.

---

I had a talk with my dad about this interview I have on tuesday. I kept saying I didn't know what to do and he kept saying yes I do.
Every 2 to 3 years I get all restless and start to dislike where I work. I feel like I need a change. This time because of the momentum where I'm just taking on things I don't particularly want to do, I applied for jobs everywhere. All of my previous 2 year changes where to get a different and often better job. Yet this job, while I'm more than fully capable, would mean additional driving time and cost. Which are two of many things keeping me from achieving things from the list above.

It doesn't help that many of my friends and family are tired of seeing me get passed over for things. They all think I'm amazing and I am no where near that confident in myself. It's not a matter of just switching it in my brain to thinking I'm awesome or that I can super do the job, and I need to take time to practice that for myself as well.

In the end I don't know if I should waste people's time with my interview so I can show them that I'm great but don't really want this job...

My god I am a fucking powerhouse of amazing things, but I don't know how to stand up in front of people and say so yet.

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