Jan. 18th, 2015

demakat: (pinefresh)


I filled up another sketch book. I can't help feeling bad lately though. My mom mentioned how the past year was kind of like being at war (which even she admits is an extreme analogy) and that coming down from that might be hard.

I keep trying to remind myself to be nice to ME. But that usually results in crying. Then other people are nice to me as well and I feel overwhelmed. Which contradicts completely with my wanting to love someone and be loved. I'm trying to figure out what I'm afraid of. Some of it must stem from not being enough for other people. I am always enough for me, provided my hands still work even to a reasonable degree, but I often worry that I'm not acting right. That I'm not acting enough, saying enough, tending to others correctly. That I couldn't possibly make someone else happy. Inevitably I feel more like this after making some minor social blunder, as I've managed recently.

After reading that book on vulnerability I've realized that I don't actually express myself. Yes I say all this here while I try to figure out just what in the hell is going on. But it's not really being vulnerable. People get the option to do as they please about my whining, it's a safety where I don't have to deal with any real consequences.

I need to plan and do things. ...I need to take a shower and probably cry about this some more. And try to remember that I'm not useless, I'm just sad and scared and I'm going to keep trying anyhow.

edit: I ate dinner and picked a rock out of my mom's bowl. It said "let go of expectations". I also ate a lot of peanut butter and now I'm all pressure-y and my heart beat feels weird. Damn it. Don't do this to me peanut butter :(

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demakat

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